It’s tough; you have to navigate a road in the dark without headlights and on low fuel. This is a place many people that are given a diagnosis will understand. But whichever way you tackle it is your ‘business’ and you do it because that is what you believe to be right. After-all, every choice we make is based on our best judgement with the tools we have available to us at the time.
So, there you are in the darkness of the night dropping into the unspeakable void where depression and despair are your companions. And then what……now we are faced with other people’s attitudes and lack of support.
Not everyone will support you like you would have expected and wished. Some will let you know how you should be doing this and that is their reason for reaching out, some will decide they don’t need to offer words of love since they are busy and it’s your problem or whatever other reason. Some will give you a little time in their best way. And some will put their arms around you and embrace you on your quest. It may be a virtual hug it does not matter, words of encouragement come in many forms, but you know when you can feel the love and support. You know they are there for you. These are the ones that will go the extra mile, not through patronising you but giving you a warm blanket when you need support and love more than ever before.
I encountered lack of presence within my own friends and family. It was another hurdle at a time when lifting my feet was hard work. I realise there were many lessons for me and that not everyone can offer what you expect or need which does not always mean they do not care. For me there were many times I felt that people did not care and I am sure this did not aid my healing but we are not super-human and have to own up to our wounds and feelings. More about wounds later. A couple of friendships wobbled, one ended. I had outgrown. I had spoken out in a time of intense fear and upset, and the gauntlet was laid down. This was one of my oldest (longevity) friendships and it ended because I was unwilling to take on anything extra at the time of my initial diagnosis which did not feel like love and support. Only those that have walked these shoes will know what I mean when I say this. Or perhaps if you have been overwhelmed with stress at some point in your life you will understand this commentary. If you set the bird free and it doesn’t come back, then so be it. I am unwilling these days to sacrifice who I am and if another cannot meet me halfway, no matter who they are it’s not in my interest.
Relationships for me have changed because I have changed. That is what happens when you walk this intense path you will grow and you will outgrow. Once you realise you have had your time together and changed within a relationship then metaphorically you can release it. Releasing somebody does not always mean you will not see them again; it means you choose not to be energetically tied. It’s your life you can gambol as you desire. This teacher called dis-ease helps you unravel the yo-yo and peel back the layers to authenticity and that is messy.
Find out what is there at your core and what your soul desires and needs. Don’t punish yourself for getting angry or experiencing any other negative emotions, or for change, or for feeling others conduct ‘is just good enough’ – just allow without getting bogged down by the traffic. Remember transformation is inherent to this pilgrimage.
No caterpillar transitioned to a butterfly without time in an introspective gooey mess first! You are ‘she’ – she has withdrawn for a while and aimed to protect herself. She has felt her levels of love and care cannot always be matched. She has felt alone, misunderstood, bound by rigidity in her head. Set your butterfly free. Give her love and let her fly. She will find where she wants to be, she will smell the roses.
LESSON: Don’t let others dictate what is right for you and don’t be surprised if not everyone shows you what you feel they should. Sometimes your ability to do things differently shakes their core and beliefs!